


Crowley's Interior Decorating Is Not Comfortable (or Practical for Attracting Angels)

by boredom



Series: Crowley and Queen (A Friendship to end all Friendships!) [3]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Gay Disaster Crowley, Gen, Humor, Pining Crowley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:14:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21808033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boredom/pseuds/boredom
Summary: Crowley's new flat in Mayfair should be perfect for getting closer to Aziraphale. So, Queen decides to take a trip over and see how their friend is settling in. They really should know better than to trust Crowley with aesthetics.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Crowley and Queen (A Friendship to end all Friendships!) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1571422
Comments: 32
Kudos: 130





	Crowley's Interior Decorating Is Not Comfortable (or Practical for Attracting Angels)

It had been a few weeks since Crowley had purchased his flat in Mayfair. The band all offered to help him decorate, but Crowley was insistent on doing it himself. 

The whole purpose of the flat was to give him a permanent place to stay while he wooed Aziraphale. Everyone hoped he kept that in mind while decorating. The impromptu trip to the bookshop had solidified fears that Aziraphale and Crowley were not compatible. 

“It’ll be fine.” Brian tried to assure the rest of the band. “Crowley isn’t an idiot. Besides, opposites attract.” 

They pulled up to a large building that seemed to loom over the street. It was very… modern, and not necessarily in a good way. 

“Yeah, I guess,” John said. In his hands was a fruit basket. His wife was insistent that he bring a housewarming gift. He wasn’t sure if Crowley would even like the fruit. He had never seen the man eat, just drink enough alcohol that should have killed any normal human being. 

“I’m sure it’ll be fine, darlings.” Freddie opened the door and they piled into a sleek lobby. “Crowley isn’t an idiot and he has good taste.” 

“Just because you two have the same mustache doesn’t mean he’s got good taste,” Brian said. 

“Did the lobby look so… modern the last time we were here?” Roger asked, going to poke a large silver statue that was probably supposed to look like something. To Roger, it just looked like a squiggle. 

“Yeah… I think?” John said. “It’s a new building, they were probably not finished decorating it the last time we were here.” 

“Yeah, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t have this giant waterfall the last time we were here.” Roger pointed out. The lobby the last time they had been here was warm and inviting. Rich brown and soft plush chairs were decorating the entrance. Now it was sleek, minimalistic, with a lot of gray and black. Every piece of technology, from the clocks to the phones, were cutting edge. Even the pen they used to sign in looked high tech.

“Ah, Anthony J. Crowley,” the receptionist said. “He’ll be on the top floor. Go to the last elevator on your left. It’ll be the last flat on your right.” 

“What’s the J stand for again?” Freddie asked. 

“I think it’s just a J,” John said. 

“I thought it stood for James,” Brian added. 

“What, like Jame Bond?” Freddie laughed. 

“Have you seen how obsessed he is with James Bond?” Roger asked. “I think he wants to be him. But, you know, actual James Bond, book James Bond, he’s a twat. Absolutely horrible to women.” 

The elevator opened to another dark hallway and Roger really was starting to get the feeling that things had Changed since they were last here.

“Like I said,” Brian said, pulling his shoulders back and walking out the door, “it’s a new building. They didn’t finish decorating it since the last time we’ve been here.” 

“Yeah, but they seem to be getting rid of things.” Roger pointed out. 

“Well it’s too late now,” John said. “He’s already bought the flat. This is prime real estate here.” 

They could have found Crowley’s flat even without the receptionist’s vague directions. After all, who puts a snake doorbell up? 

“At least he is keeping with the theme,” Freddie said, ringing it. 

“Are you sure Aziraphale will be able to fit in here?” Brian asked. 

There was a scuffling on the other side of the door and it opened. Crowley was dressed oddly, almost as if he were a contractor working on a construction project. He smiled when he saw the band. 

“Ah, you guys made it. Come in, come in. I’ve just finished putting the final touches on the place.” He stepped back to reveal his flat in all of its glory. 

“Oh what fresh hell is this?” Brian whispered.

John dropped the fruit basket.

“Crowley,” Roger said tentatively, “ where did all of the doors go? There were doors in here before, right?” 

Crowley ushered them in. Miraculously, the fruit basket was not damaged. 

“Yeah, I got rid of them. Didn’t really fit with the vibe.”

“Is the vibe you’re going for dungeon?” Freddie asked. “Because this place looks like a dungeon.” 

Crowley either didn’t hear him or didn’t care to answer. “The walls spin. That’s how you get to the other rooms.” He went to push the wall to demonstrate, but it didn’t budge. “Dammit. Still haven’t figured out how that’s going to work with the shag carpet. But if you push it hard enough, they open.” 

With a grunt he managed to budge the wall just enough to slide through. They exchanged glances, shrugged, and squeezed through the little gap Crowley had managed to get. 

“Crowley, what happened to the…” Brian was at a loss for words. This place looked nothing like what they had originally picked out. “The light? What happened to the light?” 

“Ah, I had it all replaced with this. Watch this, you’re going to love it.” He clapped his hands twice. Nothing happened. 

“Um, hang on. The lights are supposed to come on when you clap.” He clapped again. Nothing happened. He growled. It was terrifying and unnatural. Each person in the room felt years being taken off their life. Fear entrenched deep into their soul. Crowley clapped again. The lights came on. “There we go.” He smiled. “See, futuristic.” 

“Yeah, that’s not really what I meant,” Brian said, but he was resigned to the fact that Crowley had no taste and seemed to be more obsessed with getting the latest gadget than actually making his home look… livable. Brian really should have pushed that one interior designer on Crowley. 

“Anyways, if you come this way, I’ll show you the living room.” Once again the wall stuck on the grey shag carpet (Roger didn’t even know you could make shag carpets grey) and they had to squeeze through the gap. 

There was a large room filled with beautiful and lush plants. They all seemed terrified, and the thought that plants could be terrified terrified Roger, so he decided not to think too much about how he could tell the plants were terrified (it had to do with the fact that they seemed to start shaking the moment Crowley entered the room and stopped the moment he left).

“What is this statue supposed to be?” John asked, pointing to a large statue of two naked angels. 

“Oh, it’s evil triumphing over good in a wrestling match.” Crowley said. 

“Are you sure they’re wrestling?” Freddie asked. 

Roger leaned over. “He knows we know he’s gay, right?” he whispered.

“I’m pretty sure.” Freddie whispered back. 

They finally made their way to the living room and were not surprised at all by what they found. There were leather chairs and one rather large leather sofa arranged in an equally grey and minimalistic room. There was only one TV on the wall, a very large TV and the best model on the market. 

They all sat down, the leather squeaking uncomfortably as they settled into their seats. 

“So, what do you think? Not bad for my first home.” Crowley looked very pleased with himself. 

John gave him a tight smile. “Yeah. As long as it makes you happy, no one can tell you that you have absolutely horrid taste.” 

Brian elbowed him. 

Crowley nodded and went to drink from a glass of wine that Roger was sure did not exist before that moment. He decided not to mention it. It was honestly not the weirdest thing that had happened around Crowley (the weirdest incident had been a very long, drunk argument with a horse).

“So have you invited Aziraphale over yet?” Brian asked. 

Crowley choked on the wine, coughing and sputtering. “What? No, why would I invite him over. What?” He laughed. “Invite Aziraphale over.” He took another gulp of wine. 

“Aren’t you in love with him?” Roger asked. 

Crowley laughed again. “What? No. Who told you I was in love with him?”

“You did.” Brian said. 

“Every time you get drunk.” John added. 

“I know more about your relationship with Aziraphale than I do about my own parents,” Roger said. 

Freddie shook his head. “Great, he’s a disaster gay.” 

“With a moustache like that, is it any surprise,” Brian muttered. 

“Do you not like my moustache?” Freddie said. “Because I feel like you’re trying to tell me you don’t like my moustache.” 

Brian made a face. “Well, you know… it’s just…”

Thankfully the conversation didn’t go any further as Crowley stood up abruptly and started pacing. 

“I am not in love with him. Definitely not. That is a ridiculous notion.” He pointed a finger at them. “And you should all be ashamed of yourselves for even thinking such things.” 

“Then why did you settle down in London? You hate the rain!” John argued. 

“Because Mayfair is hip. Totally no other reason.” 

“He knows we know he’s gay, right?” Roger asked. “He doesn’t have to hide.” 

“Even if I did love Aziraphale, it’s not like he would love me. Don’t be ridiculous.” Crowley laughed. 

“Ah, I see what’s going on here,” Freddie said. They all did. It was a shame, really, because anyone who had spent ten minutes around Aziraphale could tell he was ridiculously in love with Crowley. 

John shook his head. “This is going to take longer to solve than an afternoon.”

“We’ll have to come up with a plan and come back,” Brian added. 

“Well, Crowley,” Roger said, standing up. “Thank you for the tour. I hope you figure out the shag carpet situation.”

“You know, darling,” Freddie said, putting an arm around Crowley who was still sputtering about how he most certainly, definitely did not in any way, shape or form love Aziraphale. “We’re doing a show next week. You should bring Aziraphale. Backstage passes, front row seats. Make a date out of it.” 

He patted Crowley on the back and went to leave with the rest of the band. 

“I feel like we didn’t accomplish anything today,” Roger said. 

Freddie shrugged. “He’s a disaster gay. It takes awhile to accomplish anything with them.” 

“Is that why you’re such a mess?” Brian asked. 

“I am not a disaster gay!” Freddie sputtered. “I am a distinguished gay.” 

“Your cats have their own rooms, Freddie,” John snickered. 

“If I have the money to provide for my cats, I should be able to provide for my cats.” 

They continued to bicker as they left the elevator. Upstairs, Crowley was on the phone with Aziraphale. 

“Yeah, backstage passes. Front row seats. You know, the works, angel.” He bit his lip and twisted the phone chord. Would Aziraphale accept? This sort of music wasn’t really his scene. 

“Oh, yes, that sounds wonderful, my dear,” Aziraphale said. 

Crowley punched the air. 

“They were such nice young men when they came and visited my shop and I do hope Roger’s mother liked the book.” 

“Great, great! I’ll pick you up at six? We can have dinner before hand.” 

“That sounds wonderful, dear.” 

Crowley hung up, beaming. He had a date with Aziraphale. Now, time to find the tightest pair of pants he could fit into. He had to look his best for his angel, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> I shave decided to just make this a series because I have at least two more that I want to write. These are fun, though I am constantly worried that I'm not really representing Queen or 70s gay culture that well. Spoiler alert, I am not a gay man from the seventies. I know a lot about 2010s gay culture so that's a bit better represented. Still, it's fun doing these little one shots. 
> 
> If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to send them to me!


End file.
